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Thomas and Martha Wayne Alive All Along

In an elaborate attempt to teach their son Bruce Wayne a lesson about how lucky he is to have parents, Thomas and Martha Wayne faked their own deaths in front of their son and have been silently watching for the past 30 years. According to sources, this is all stemmed from a young Bruce Wayne telling his parents “I wish you were dead” after Thomas Wayne reportedly ate the last slice of plain cheese pizza which Bruce desperately wanted.

“It started out as a lesson, but we realized after the funeral that Bruce really was taking this pretty rough, and we were happy to see that he did, in fact, appreciate us. We were gonna come back, but honestly, this is like watching the best mystery movie.”

“We always told Bruce, ‘family first’, and now his life is his family, or rather due to the lack thereof. I can’t think of a more rewarding life.”

Bruce would go on to become an accomplished businessman, playboy, and philanthropist, but he never stopped the search for his parents murderer, “which he’ll never find,” according to his parents. “We hired our butler to meet us in an alleyway and ‘shoot’ us. Bruce will never suspect it. Alfred is like his father.”

When asked how they feel about Bruce’s alter ego, the Waynes shrugged it off, stating, “I don’t know, he’s got issues. You do all can to raise kids these days, but some you just can’t fix.”

However, in a recent turn of events, Thomas Wayne is about to come out of hiding and tell his son, Bruce, about the cancer diagnosis he just received. “I have about a week to live, and I think now is the time to tell him the truth.”

Thomas Wayne is currently on his way to Gotham City to reveal himself to Bruce and has reportedly stopped for pizza just before he reached the city limits. Martha Wayne is maintaining her silence. No word as to whether or not Thomas saved a slice for Bruce.

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