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Green Lantern Starts #DickslapDarkseid and People Are Not Happy

With the power of the Lantern Corp at his will, John Stewart, current Green Lantern from Earth, has landed himself in a world of trouble over the possible inappropriate misuse of his power ring. According to eyewitnesses, during Darkseid’s last attempt to destroy planet Earth, the Green Lantern employed tactics that were “inexcusable, disgusting, and utterly humiliating.” According to one man, Harold Kish, 34, the whole thing “was just a really bad pun. I mean look, I get it, if you can literally make anything you can think of, I suppose that at some point you’re gonna think ‘dick!’, or ‘penis!’, but this was just over the edge... you almost felt bad for Darkseid, the motherfucker who tried to destroy everything.”

During the planet threatening crisis, many heroes were knocked down for the count, including: Hawk Woman, Superman, Flash, Batman, Mr. Terrific, Martian Manhunter, Nightwing, Speedy, Power Girl, and Wonder Woman. However, the Green Lantern remained, and in a final last ditch-effort, according to sources, willed a “four-story tall penis, complete with testicles, whose radius spanned two blocks. Then, he yelled, ‘it’s time to dickslap Darkseid!’.” One woman, caught off guard by the phallic-shaped light, witnessed the beat down to save Earth, and said, “Darkseid didn’t have a chance. He would go left: dick. Right: dick. Up, down, back, forth: dick, dick, dick, dick. He didn’t stand a chance.”

After over an hour of being “dickslapped” by the Green Lantern, whose ring has never overpowered Darkseid in previous encounters, the villain, near death, teleported back home to Apokolips. With the world saved and the villain gone, people started to gather in the streets to witness the aftermath of the war they just lived through. Citizens cried, carried the bodies of loved ones now gone, and rallied together. The Green Lantern, however, wasn’t finished, who, in a fit of victory, tried to start his own hashtag, “#dickslapdarkseid,” which he displayed prominently across the night sky. “I mean we’re all tweeting it, but it just feels wrong. No one wanted to see that. But hey, he saved us, what are you gonna do?”, said one local man. In fact, so many are questioning the method in which the world was saved that day, that a new hashtag began to circulate not hours after the battle, reading, “#dicksoutfordarkseid”, a truly stunning show of solidarity for a being that tried to destroy the very place the “tweeters” are living in.

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